A list of things the government should take away from me

It's 5am, I can't sleep and I just had a brief conversation with Nate that's making me wonder if I should be looking at apartments with someone this brainwashed.

So evidently, the government should have the right to tell me what kind of lightbulb to use. Coming from someone who is constantly having a shitfit over the fact that "corporations are being treated as citizens", I find it a little odd that he's concerned about the government's rights in the first place. But let's move on.

I did some research and found a lot of shit I do not like about these lightbulbs. But it doesn't really matter to me as much as the fact that they're trying to take away my free choice (I'm sorry, what country is this again?) over something as trivial as a goddamned lightbulb.

Oh, but it's better for the environment. I'm sorry, but that argument strikes the same nerve in me as "Because it's in the Bible!". And the fact that this is coming from the man I want to marry (and who, up until an hour ago, I thought was pretty smart) is kind of hurting.

So skipping the minor inconveniences of fluorescent light (because oh god we should be able to suffer a little discomfort to save the poor fragile planet), I jumped right into the mercury poisoning thing and the fact that they give some people really intense migraines. Now as someone who is allergic to everything, has really weird skin sensitivities and is in general just kind of genetically weak and "special needs," I thought this statement might have an effect. But no. It's worth it in the long run to protect the planet.

...

WHY, BABY, WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU TO MAKE YOU THIS LAME??

Let me just skip to what I really want to say. I value my freedom of choice and my personal rights. And I'm slowly watching them dwindle over absolute fucking nonsense. But apparently no one agrees with me on this, and by society's standards that makes me wrong. So here's a list of things I think the government should take away from me. Just, you know, for the sake of my best interests.

If you tell me what kind of lightbulb to use, I will fully exercise my right to use it 24 hours a day in every room of my home. So in order to protect me from myself, the government should probably control when I'm allowed to turn on the lights.

I also watch a lot of television, which requires electricity, but the environment is much more important than seeing the end of Dexter, so all things considered, I should be forced to make that sacrifice.

Right now I drive a Corolla, but if no one stops me I'm eventually going to get a huge gas guzzling SUV and drive it up and down Central Ave. all day with no purpose whatsoever. So someone should probably do something about that.

In all seriousness, I actually really like SUV's because they have better visibility, are great for road trips and are more protective in crashes. So really, if someone doesn't federally mandate my use of a piece of shit, lightweight, tinfoil, death trap smartcar, I really will kill the fucking planet.

I use about two Q-tips a day. This is wasteful and I should be able to limit my ear cleaning to once every three days. Someone stop me.

I frequently leave my computer on hibernate instead of turning it off. Why isn't this a crime?

I like having my groceries bagged in plastic so I can use the bags in my garbage can later. Have you ever seen that episode of Futurama where they launch a ball of garbage into space to stop another ball of garbage from destroying the Earth? If the government doesn't step in now, I'm so going to make that happen.

Sometimes I throw batteries right in the trash. They should set up cameras in my home or I'll never stop.

I take really long hot showers in the Winter. Just kidding, there's like no hot water in my apartment. In that one instance, the planet is safe.

Sometimes when I'm cold, I stick a blanket in the dryer for 15 minutes.

I leave the water running when I brush my teeth.

I throw plastic bottles in the garbage all the time.

I take my cooking grease to the beach and pour it right into the ocean.

I use a massive handful of toilet paper when I wipe my ass!

I also shit stonehenge and sometimes it takes 3 flushes to force that sucker down!

I AM A PLAGUE UPON THIS EARTH.
DIE, PLANET, DIE!

So in conclusion, if my incandescent lightbulb is really that big of a fucking deal, the government should probably look into whipping up some legislation to do something about my reckless liberal use of Q-tips and toilet paper. Because if protecting our planet is more important than my rights as a hard-working, tax-paying American citizen, then I clearly have too much freedom.

And one more thing for the record...I think people who think they can destroy the fucking planet just by doing what we as humans are programmed to do...need to take a look in the mirror and get the fuck over themselves. You are not that special. The Earth will outlive you.