5 Stages of De--Fake Breakup?

Blah so we all know I'm obviously toting some baggage these days, but whatever. I was going through some stages the other day, however, and it reminded me of a lovely Robot Chicken skit, a show which almost every day in my life reminds me of. So here are the broken down stages:

Denial:

You deny that the situation is passing. That the inevitable is happening. Hell, you deny that there is even a problem. It is during this stage that you continue on, ignoring any conflict going on inside yourself or around you. #stupidphase

Anger:

I think I'm still here. See, I'm just angry that I even have to go through this. We've been dating in all but name for 5 months. So what is magically supposed to change?! One thing. One thing, will be different. Dating others. Its the only thing that I can see. But I thought we weren't doing that anyway? Whatever, way to metaphorically punch me in the face. #asshole

Bargaining:

This is where you begin pleading to "god," the universe, or any other force believed to rectify the situation; a higher power, or sometimes the person in which you may have conflict. So, I say, lets just be each other's "main squeeze," this way... there isn't full commitment, but none is allowed to take precedence. Like this is going to work out. Have you met me? I'm cray cray. CRAY CRAY. I-will-destroy-anyone-who-goes-near-him. #justsayin'

This is particularly bad because now I feel like I'll force him into not telling me things, or lying altogether... which feeds the crazy more. -_-

Depression:

So obviously, the bargaining didn't work, and thus we segue into depression. This is because an end is near, and no one wants to see things end. Unless its this Twilight phase. So you mope, and you QQ all over the situation. I'm a little bit here. And so... I put it off... but something needs to be done, STAT. #manup

Acceptance:

This is the final stage. You accept that things are no longer hunkey dorey and that something pivotal needs to be done about it. I've come to one of two conclusions... neither of which end the way I'd like? No matter what the next step turns out to be, I plan on basing my decision off of one question. "Why don't you want to date me?" I mean, I asked you already, but your slip shod answer needs extrapolation. I. Must. Know. Why. So quit beating around the bush, not wanting to hurt my feelings, because you already have. Harm is done, so give me the business.

A) This is the most idealistic, but least likely to happen. He will tell me, he just doesn't want to "say" dating and doesn't want everyone to know yet because its so soon after his last breakup and his ex still speaks to him and is crazy. This is, SO not going to happen, and furthermore, its insufficient.

B) I want to still date other people, but I really like you so I don't want to stop talking to you. So... everyone will be getting my sloppy seconds. Meanwhile, he's still looking for more. Great for my self image. Whatever, he can't base his life off my discomfort, but I will not be toted. Guess what, I look like the dough eyed fool after you while you still put it on whomever you feel. #nothanks

If A happens, I'll have to tell him we need to cut back, and get off this track we're on where we cuddle, hold hands, and the whole nine. We will likely not date until he decides to ask me next time.

If B happens, I'll have to walk. Even if he changes his mind as to not "lose" me, its too late. You're feelings are clear, and I will not be the source of some later resentment, besides the fact that down the line it will likely end over this underlying problem, and at that point it will be even more involved.

PS. I think I saw him talking about hooking up with another person? At least that's what my mind saw. There was a text about "hooking up." No I was not snooping, in showing me something, it was on the screen, and my eyes caught that before he could change the content in a shady manner. Sure I have no technical say, but it doesn't sit well with me. I don't like not knowing. Do. Not. Like it.

Okay, vent over. Now watch this fun video!